Hilarious Funny Humor Comedy Sex Gender Jokes

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?
If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest will it make a sound?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
When it rains why don't sheep shrink?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way its sounds?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Does "virgin wool" come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle? If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Would women still insist on breast-feeding in public if their breasts hung from their asses?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Would you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Speakin' o' Lincoln:
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Speakin' o' Kennedy:
New Book on the Kennedy Assassination Describes the Conspiracy in Detail

Cincinnati, OH -- August 19, 1998 (INB) -- The Kennedy assassination and conspiracy, as now confirmed by the release of the Zapruder film, is described in exacting detail in this new book by Wheaton M. Coward. Under development for 8 years, "22 November 1963: The Worst Crime in the History of the United States" is now being published electronically, and promoted on a new web site, http://www.jfkconspiracy.com/

This is perhaps the only complete book that describes the conspiracy from the first grudge to the last shot, and is entirely consistent with the new material released with the Zapruder film. In Part One, Coward shows just why Oswald could not possibly have been the lone gunman, and, indeed, is innocent. His description of the assassination and circumstances around it depict a situation in which multiple gunmen would have been required to carry out the crime, and that the Warren Commission findings to the contrary were a sham.

In Part Two of the book, Coward tells a riveting story that starts with the political circumstances that spawned the conspiracy, takes the reader through the development of the assassination plans, and on to the actual assassination. The book then continues on to describe the aftermath, and ramifications of the conspiracy.

Coward does not mince words. He names names, explains motives, describes key meetings between influential people and others connected with the conspiracy, and tells a very convincing story.

Publishing a book like this electronically may be a first. The book is available on disk.

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