Humor, Jokes, Comedy, Funny Stuff

"All right, you bastards, fall in, on the double!" barked the sergeant as he strode into the barracks.
Each soldier grabbed his hat and jumped to his feet, except one - a private who lay in his bunk reading a book.
"Well?" roared the sergeant.
"Well!" observed the private. "There certainly were a lot of them, weren't there!"

19 Ways to Know You're an EMAIL JUNKIE
I used to introduce my 2nd wife as "Wife 2.0"
Latest Virus Update
B.O.O.K. - Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device
A New European Agreement
Politics From 'Lil Johnny's Point of View
Warranty Card on Purchased Government Official™
Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Y'know, I was just wondering...

Gender Jokes

Another Shade of Humor

 

"Yep. Each day is better than the next!" jT

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Alpine Girl Costume - $ 67.99 Sexy Alpine Girl Costume. Short, Sexy Bustier Dress with attached petticoat and puffed sleeves. Similar boots available in our sexy shoe department.

Actual Bumperstickers From Actual Cars!
What Women Say But Really Mean
Why did the chicken just cross the road?
Y'know, I was just wondering...

Another Shade of Humor

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19 Ways to Know You're an EMAIL JUNKIE . . .
("Had a life... got a modem")

• You wake up at 3:00a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
• You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 4.0 or higher."
• You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom - and the horse, of course, is Pegasus (Yahoo!)
• You turn off your modem and get this awful feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment.
• You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
• You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
• You start using smileys in your snail mail.
• Your hard drive crashes, you haven't logged in for two hours, and you start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access.
• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using your word processor.com
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• You start introducing yourself as "katherine @ pe dot net"
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• Your cat has its own home page.
• You can't call your mother . . . she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail, it says "no new messages," so you check it again.
• You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• You move to a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
• You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL!"
• You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
• Tech support calls YOU for help.
• You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
• You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.
• You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
• Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like: "BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP."
• You tell the cabdriver you live at httpcolonSlashslashdoubleUdoubleUdoubleUdotTheraPure.com

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I used to introduce my 2nd wife as "Wife 2.0"

I'd change the last digit to reflect the number of years we'd been married.

After "Wife Version 2.12" I upgraded to "Hottie 1.0."

The court didn't take kindly to the upgrade (something about incompatibility) and they fined me. Told me if I was going to have to reboot, lose all of my work,and, no, there was no saving the work in progress.

While "Hottie 1.0" (now Hottie 1.4) has been much easier to deal with than Wife 2.12, it's been a steep learning curve. I wanted something that would do what I wanted it to do right out of the gate, but, I swear, sometimes, it's like she's got a mind of her own.

I went online and found Hottie 1.4's maker. I sent her an email saying, "Was this hard for you to work with, too?" She said Hottie 1.4 had started as "CuteAsAButton '73" and briefly been known as "Vixen '89." She also said that if there were any difficulties in using Hottie 1.4 that it was more than likely a hardware issue on *my* end. She advised, "Make sure your joystick is large enough."

Anyway, the court is still making me pay a support fee each and every month for Wife 2.12. I tried to tell them that I don't even use Wife 2.12 nor do I have any use for Wife 2.12 any longer. The court said the fee is in support of a "Spawned Child Process."

All I know is it's draining all of my system resources and will continue to do so -- until August of 2007, I think.

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.

Al Gore, Billy Clinton, and Mr. Bill Gates all die in a plane crash - they're standing before God, seated on his throne. God asks Al, "Al, what do you believe?" Al says, "I believe in Earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die." God says, "I like that! Come 'n sit on my left. Billy, what do you believe?" Billy says, "I believe the people should be empowered to advance their own lives." God says, "Hey, I like that! Come sit on my right. Now, Mr. Gates, what do You believe?" The Bill says, "I believe you're in my chair."

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Latest Virus Update:

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Sonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system,
just before the whole thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete
two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self- defense."

AT&T Virus
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every 3 minutes it reminds you
you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead it is an "electronic microorganism."

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously
but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units,
each of which do practically nothing, but all claim to be
the most important part of your computer.

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B.O.O.K.
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom- fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

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A New European Agreement

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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Politics From 'Lil Johnny's Point of View

'Lil Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the bread winner of the family, so
let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny,
we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby sister, we'll call her the Future. Now,
think about that and see if that makes sense."

So 'Lil Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad said. Later that night, he hears his
baby sister crying, so he gets up to check on her. He finds that the baby has a severely soiled
diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept
of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government
is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!"

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WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government OfficialTM

With regular maintenance your Government OfficialTM should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government OfficialTM? Please check all that apply.
__ TV ad.
__ Magazine/newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government OfficialTM? Please check all that apply.
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self/allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs.
__ Liaison to the mob.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? Please check all that apply.
__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government OfficialTM
__ Actual beliefs of Government OfficialTM
__ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government OfficialTM? ______
If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models:
__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government OfficialTM
you have chosen the best politician that money can buy!

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element
yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium
causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed
whenever morons each a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

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LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH
PROFICIENCY EXAM

Name____________________
Gang Name ______________

1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit: How much more time will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his parked car is rammed in.
Seeing a note under the windshield, he read it. On the paper is written: As I'm writing this,
about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone
number, and insurance company. But I'm not.

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big, boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."
"Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said, boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Number of physicians in the US:
700,000.

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year:
120,000 (AMA).

Accidental deaths per physician:
0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US:
80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups):
1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor." Please alert your friends
to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a Public Health Measure, we have withheld the statistic on Lawyers for fear that the shock could
cause people to seek medical aid.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. [Rita Mae Brown]

TOP

Bumperstickers

Y'know, I was just wondering...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Gender Jokes

Another Shade of Humor

"Yep. Each day is better than the next!" jT

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