Gender Jokes Hilarious Funny Humor Comedy Sex

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female, He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure
But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer. So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink
twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
"Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counsellor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST. ..
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. ..
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ..
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. ..
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

I LOVE YOU. ..
Can we have sex now? I LOVE YOU, TOO. ..
OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. ..
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR. ..
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY. ..
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

Mom: "Little Johnny, does this dress make me look fat?"
Little Johnny: "No, Mom, the dress doesn't make you look fat. It's all that
ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat."

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into
the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed
her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his
experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her
constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her flesh. He expertly
guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never
dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping
moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place
as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude
shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman
would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again........

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began
making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe,
flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. no mention of this
phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, husband 1.0 uninstalls many other
valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere
4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it
run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but
this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please?

This is a very common problem women compain about, but it is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea
that Boyfriend 5.0 is merly an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is
an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications
as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, becasue
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would
cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely
limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their ''old time'' favorite applications, or to get new applications
to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. however, these
women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. look in your manual
under 'warnings; divorce/child support.' You will notice that this program runs very poorly,
and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just
learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults GPFs. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed
by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume
ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great
feature, enter the command 'C;\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME'. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must
be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs,
and ultimately YOU may have to give a C;\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence
2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to
create fatbelly files and snoringloudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself
some trouble by following this tech tip1

Just remember1 the system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because
of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband
1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0,
Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0
running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many
valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution1 do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not
a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0
will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at tech
support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product1

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your man is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-EAT-SHIT"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and He's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10 The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Maternity clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The differences between beige, off-white, eggshell and cream.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. other women

10. I think of you as a brother.
You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance."

7. My life is too complicated right now.
I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

6. I've got a boyfriend.
I prefer my male cat and a gallon 'o Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

5. I don't date men where I work.
I wouldn't date you 'cause you're in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

2. I'm celibate.
I've sworn off the likes of you or I'd rather be gang raped by midgets.

1. Let's be friends.
I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
"Madam, "he replied," if you were my wife, I would drink it."

A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum:
until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able
to hold out?" Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."

There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

One month later on these absolutely stunning islands, the following things have occurred:

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or
"She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all females) announced
that computers should be referred to as being male. Five reasons to believe computers are male:

Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight
When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
You never have to clean the toilet
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
If you're 34 and single, no one notices
Chocolate is just another snack
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)
You never have to worry about other's feelings
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
You can say anything and not worry about what people think
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
Same work . . . more pay
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
If you retain water, it is in a canteen
The remote is yours and yours alone
You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "Well, what can I get for just a rib?"

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

The guy walked up to the lady behind the counter and said, "Do you keep stationery?" She said, "Well, right up to the last minute, then my toes curl up and I turn into an animal."

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked round and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

While traveling home from a business trip a man traveling at 60 miles an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone topped a hill just in time to see a state trooper turn on his flashing red and blue lights.

As the police car pulled out behind the man's car the man thought to himself, "I can out run this guy," and increased his speed to 70 miles an hour. With the police car still in pursuit he accelerated to 80, then 90, then 100 miles an hour. Before long he decided it was of no hope and pulled over to the side of the road.

The officer walked up to the side of the man's vehicle and shouted, "I have had a very bad day and am in no mood to stand out here in this heat, therefore, I am giving you a ticket. Just give me one good reason why you were driving so fast and I'll let you go.

"The man thought for a minute, then said, "Well, officer, my wife left me about three weeks ago for a state trooper. When I saw your lights come on, I thought you were him and you were trying to bring her back."

TheraPure Health Essentials™