Hilarious Funny Humor Comedy Sex Gender Jokes

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
A person, who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel throug h the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant? Cuz Ken comes in a different box...

WANTED: Meaningful, Overnight Relationship
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal in 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work then they find a job.
When I'm in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, go to foreign lands, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Born free...Taxed to death.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
So many stupid people...so few comets.
All generalizations are false.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I drink to make people more interesting.
Rehab is for quitters.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Auntie Em - Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
What do you call a woman with PMS and ESP? A bitch who knows everything.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
I love animals... They're Delicious!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

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